am I losing myself?

just dunno why recently there are a lot of thought that is going through my mind, be it to the smallest thing or to the very profound philosophy... yea and I am already halfway through my second semester of my uni life and still it is as stress as ever.. been under this kind of stress for almost a year,  it makes me kip on think of this question : after all what am I looking forward in my life and what do I really want to achieve? coming into sg to study undoubtedly is for its prestige and maybe a better earning in sg after I graduate. but then everything in this world doesn't come free. In exchange for this is the huge debt that i will be carry once I step out if my uni, and nevertheless the never ending stress that I will have to face with.. ever since enter the uni, I have been under stress and I have sacrifice a lot for my study til a extend that I really feel sick of this. And I always think of this,  doest it really worth it for me to be as so in exchange for the so called better future? well I really dunno for the time being.. maybe I am still immature that's why have this kind of thought ba.. another issue that I have been facing recently is that I feel I am losing myself haha I also dunno what I really wanna express by saying this @@ well being in such a competitive uni where all the top talent from all over the world gather, I feel myself am such a ordinary person and sometimes, lousy and useless. ok that's all for today although may still have tonnes of things to say but that's it for today...

the undeniable me..

it is true that I sucks, I am stubborn selfish and really bad in communication, especially with my family... to make thing worse, I don't like receive negative comments from ppl. I like to defend for myself, often think that I am correct, and unwilling to accept ppl advice.. I hate being accuse, and this happens a lot of time between me and my parents, but I do not know the correct way to communicate with them, and whenever I try to explain, without fail it will end up a fight.. as times goes on, I become more and more quiet, the level of communication become less and less until now I find it perfectly fine without actually talking to my parents at all.... I dunno why it end up this way but this is the situation now.... For my father side maybe is that he also kinda have the same type characteristic as me? And is obvious that he will not admit he is wrong at all the time.. and being a little bit 大男人 he once said this to me, you are children and you must learn how to respect your elderly, even though they says something wrong, you also have no right to talk back and you just only can keep quiet and accept.. well once he said this it is kinda obvious that there is no more communication already... as times goes on I already numb and dun feel like even try to communicate with them.. The sad part is I can't find the place for me to stand when I am with then, I just felt that I am the extra one whenever we all are all together.. and for the negative view of my mum or sis to Evy i really think is no point to care so much liao.. The most important thing is just that we both enjoy being together that's all and there is like a bit pointless that we all keep on worry whether that we can really be together and live together at the very end cause that is just still too far away already and instead of worrying about that question why dun just we all purely enjoy being together that's all... time to step out of the down period and try to find and know my own self more ba! jiayou Lin Jing Ming! :)

love..

how good will it be just that two person that are in love with each other just be able to be together without any other problem?
wrote on 31-12-2012

not compatible?

here comes again this problem, maybe is I just din realise or dun wish to acknowledge that before this ba, so at the end my mum is not really like her.... and ya I am once again crying already... she is really like not agree me to go on with her anymore... wanted to fetch her and her sister up to Muar and told her my plan, then she pause for a while and straight away say boy I tell you she is really not suitable for you, her character is really too different from you already. I was stunned for a moment I admit, after that there was a sharp pain going through my heart... and I asked her then what you want me to do now?! she said just be normal friend with her.. After that I have nothing to say anymore and there is a long silent.... was eating at that instant and all the food become tasteless, tears rushing out my eye and I am holding them back... well it is really discouraging when you know that your family aren't support and help bless your relationship... now I can truly understand how my sis suffer that time when she and my brother in law last time, it is way more hurting than I can imagine... I really dun know why she is saying this to me maybe she really hope that I am not with her anymore.... well this really affected me, there are really quite a lot of things that we are different about :

-she always longing to reach out to the world and explore but not me as I scared I got family burden
-she character are far more outgoing and extrovert which totally opposite with me which is introvert and boring

-she is more open minded and some stuff that she thinks is absolutely find maybe isn't for me

so far this is the main difference in terms of characters..

and there are also something that is bothering me in this relationship, she is like getting more and more badass in this relationship, overpower me all the time and at times make me wonder why I am become such a whimp, another thing that is always been there is that she always treat other guys good especially her most recent ex which always make me jealous.. well there is a lot more that I want to spilt out in this public but unknown space but I am really tired now and wish to sleep already... now I really dunno what to do, I am already fall so deep with her already and almost impossible to break with her liao but with all these problem, I really dunno already... well nights world.. and ya my eye is sore...

Sooon I will be visiting and posting here often liao...

Recently things have not gone well for me, either relationship with my girl or with my family, so at times i also dunno where to speak or to release my thought. So i think blogging is quite a nice channel to do the job. At times is quite funny how you wanna write in the blog as you know that nobody will know, but at the same times another part of you contradict and wanted all these post to be bring to somebody attention. I think this is how troublesome human's mind can be at times ba ... anyway is late already and i think i should get some sleep ady... nitez.

It is still nice to have some private place to blog :D

wao it has been sometime since last i blogged. Well, the reason i will do this again because i have something in my mind which i wish to express it out which i can't via other channel. Just now when i was having dinner with ma, ma told me that erh, your gf seems like not as pretty as i thought at first hor, her face quite big lerh, then she also says, min min jie that time asked her, if boy one day kena dump by her, would boy take it or not, * this statement was made because she knows that evy got some exs before.
Then here is how i responded to my ma :
to her first statement that evy isnt pretty actually, i said, so? what is your point? not pretty so what?
to her second statement that told me min min jie d question i said, you all really have prejudice to ppl who have past lorh! haha then the funny thing is my fifth sis also backed me up that time ! lol..
to be honest, i am quite troubled by her this two statement. This somehow make me thinks that my family have prejudice on evy. well evy may not be pretty to them, but for me i really think that evy is really pretty. she really is pretty at least for me. I wonder also that evy realised that my mood is a bit weird when i go out with her after our dinner. I really wish to tell her this thing one but then i clearly that i can't do so because she is really too sensitive already.
but then not just the statement itself that make my mood down today , actually is the fact that non of my family members actually understand what am i thinking and how i feel. For the time being, evy is really the only one that i can tell everything to, but then too bad , still i have something have to hide from her for the sake for preventing from getting her emo and stuff. in fact, to my eldest sis worry, i also not very sure, let say one day evy really dump me , i really think that i cant really get out of this massive fall. well these two days really have a great time with her. never enjoyed so much going out with a person , liked the way she stick to me, liked the way she smile and laugh, liked the way we sai each other, liked the way how we kisses. to sum out, i really getting into her so much liao . i love her , my darling.

Life in NTU ~~~~

Just write this post to release my feeling as i know that nobody will come and read up this post d actually. Is already two month plus since I first step into NTU and study liao, but then sadly i still trying to adjust myself to the pace of uni here. People do say studying at uni is enjoyable but then dunno why i am not enjoying my life over here at all... constantly feeling stress and stuff, haiz... to make thing worse, i miss my dearie a lot a lot and this hectic uni life is snatching away my time to spend on my dearie.., haiz dunno why am i feeling so depress now :( AND I am really sien with my new phone samsung galaxy s2, it give me all sorts of problem just only three day of using it . And after trips and trips to the service centre, the phone is still the same. If i knew the phone will turn up as so i sure i won wanna buy that phone lorh !! haiz,, now since after multiple attempt to fix the problem turn vain, i think i just have to bear with that stupid phone larh ...while somehow after entered into uni i feel that actually i am very immature, and dunno why i am feeling very inferior compare to others... Seriously just why am i so depress arh ?!?!?!?!?!? at the end just hope that this coming recess week i can finish all my debt on studies and make the life after recess week a better one for me.. And i think the only things that can make me feel happy is the anticipation of going to meet my sweet heart ba ... haope that i can finish all my things before going up to find her... ok larh enough of ranting liao ba i think , since now is raining and the weather is just nice, maybe i just go to sleep ba... moreover i think my sweetie pie also fall asleep long ago d ba ... Nights lorh ...